Well, it happened.

I've put off making this post for a while, but I should come clean.

I went broke. There, I said it. I've been on a negative downswing since May. Some of it was my fault when I should have quit a game, but instead played stuck. In fact, it all started when I sat down at the 50/100 game at Doyle's Room, which lead me to the 10/20 NL game where I lost a $4500 pot in a 99 v. 88 on a 987 board. Guess what the river is.

I've looked at the numbers, I have been running bad. My AA has had a 65% winning percentage since May. And I have similar numbers across the board. I think that extended negative variance leads to tilt in my play, so in essence one bad thing leads to another. And when I can't shake off the negative variance, I just go through my bankroll.

Of course, expenses don't help much. I've been paying off a TON of bills and with rent and cost of living, my reserves get depleted fairly quickly.

So there you have it. I am rebuilding. I'm owed a few thousand by various people and it's time to collect and hopefully I can get one of my friends to stake me in a medium stakes game so that I can get back on my feet. This is why, as much as I love poker, it's not what I want to do with my life. It will always be a passion, but it is also always a hobby. I think that I am really good at poker. I think that I do have the special 'something' that seperates me from the rest of the pack.

But I am no Addonis.

For public record, here is what I feel are my biggest holes, besides the whole "negative variance leads to tilt" thing.

1. Lack of concentration in Online games. I really just don't focus as much as I do, unless I am playing SH. I think that my tournament game has improved, but I need to focus on the players more in the early rounds so that I can make better decisions to grab that chip lead.

2. Loose play. Sometimes I tend to play a lot looser than I should at a table. I'll call raises on the button with random hands, sure that I can out play people. What I don't realize is that this is a futile play against people with which a straightforward strategy works. This especially happens when I am the big stack and I misplay it.

3. Stop Loss. I need to have a stop loss for the day because a lot of my downswing could have been avoided if I just went 'Ok, you just lost 3 buy-ins. Call it a day."

I still intend to post here (I have some interesting ideas floating around) and I expect to be back on the ball before the year is over.

To end on an up note: I am still up for the year. I have been able to support myself well these last 7 months and overall, I have no regrets. I am not going to look on the past and go 'Damn, I should have done x/y/z', but instead I am going to look towards the future while keeping the mistakes of my past fresh in mind.